


I'm Not Fair But I Am Very Lovely

by LightRain



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Body Image, Insecurity, It's sad but trust me on this, Self-Esteem Issues, Watch her destroy Indian beauty standards
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-30
Updated: 2016-09-03
Packaged: 2018-08-11 22:50:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7910647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LightRain/pseuds/LightRain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tears streamed down her face, “Am I not enough? Do I really have to change to be pretty for everyone?” she whispered, choking on her tears.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Come In!

**Author's Note:**

> Let me tell you I love Connie so much. I'm Indian as well and the beauty standards Connie has to fight against in this fanfic hit at home.  
> I love Connie because I also had fluffy wavy hair that was braided just like Connie's as a kid, and a big nose, and just seeing it be represented finally and seeing how cool and beautiful Connie is just warms my heart!!  
> Also I love her skin tone, I'm so happy with her character design, I really needed her as a kid and I'm so glad she exists. I am fair skinned though and I hate the fact that fair skin in India is the only skin tone seen as beautiful, darker skin tones are not ugly and never will be!!!  
> So I wrote this fanfic not only to show how strong Connie is, but to bring awareness to the fact of how toxic Indian beauty standards are as well as the product Fair and Lovely.  
> Also to all my fellow Desis out there, you're beautiful don't let anyone tell you otherwise <3.

Connie laid on her bed eagerly flipping the next page of her book, _what a cool heroine I want to be just like her!_ she thought to herself. Before she could continue reading her mother called out,

“Connie! Your cousin Anjana is here!”

Connie poked her head out of her book and ran downstairs excitedly to the living room, Anjana and her parents were sleeping over. Their living room was well furnished with two accent tears, a loveseat, a nice black sleek coffee table, lamps for good lighting, a plasma tv, couple of family photos along the wall like Connie’s graduation picture, and a display that held fine china Connie’s mom loved.

“Hello everyone!” Connie grinned as she went over to hug Anjana and her parents!

Her father joined the guests and entertained them with small talk of the current economy, weather, and how work was. Connie in the meantime joined her mother to help her carry trays to the guests full of tea (tea), biscuits, and Indian mittai (sweets). Connie’s mom joined in on the conversation sitting with a warm smile towards her sister as Connie sat next to her, “how has everything been sister?”

Her sister perked up, “Everything has been well, Anjana has gotten into college!”

Both of Connie’s parents cheered in excitement,

“What will you major in”?  
“How is the financial aid?”  
“Be sure to keep in touch,okay?”

Anjana beamed, “haha oh auntie and uncle. I’m thinking of computer science and yes the financial aid is great! I will come to visit during breaks don’t worry!”

_Wow college, huh?_ Connie thought in amazement. It hit her, Anjana was a lot older than her and memories of five year old her and younger Anjana played back in her.

Connie took a sip of her tea looking up when her auntie addressed her chuckling, “Connie! From the looks of it the sun has made you more darker? You should use Fair and Lovely, Anjana’s skin has gotten so much lighter and beautiful with it”

Connie almost choked on her sip as she gulped it down nervously looking at her arms. _Yes maybe they had gotten darker but what was the problem?_   Knowing she couldn’t leave her unanswered Connie nervously laughed back, “The sun usually makes you tanner in the summer auntie” She glanced at Anjana’s fair skin.

Completely disregarding her response her uncle chimed in, “how has your summer Connie?”

Connie smiled, her summer had been great so far, she got to hang out with Steven and the Crystal Gems, got to ride lion, learn how to sword fight, go on her first missi- wait she couldn’t say that. It’s not the proper response a desi girl would give.

She gathered her words, “It’s been okay! I went to the library the other day I want to get a head start before school starts you know!

“Good job Connie, studies are important!”

“Yeah I went with my friend Steven and he’s never-”

“Steven?” Her auntie cocked her head.

Connie could feel her mother’s burning eyes on her. _I didn’t mean to say that I’m sorry._ Although she had no interest in a boyfriend, she knew explaining about Steven and their friendship would do more harm than good.

Her father cleared her throat, “Well let me show the backyard, the weather is nice today we may as well continue our conversation outside”, everyone except Connie got up and followed.

Connie dipped a biscuit in her cup of tea and took a bite only to get the opposite of what she wished for, a cold stale piece sat in her mouth. She swallowed sighing as she stared at her cup of tea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it!  
> Leave any comments for suggestions, or how you feel about it in general if you'd like!  
> Wanna say hi? You can message here!  
> thechaihoe.tumblr.com


	2. Bollywood Pretty

Connie felt a little comfort under her blanket as she continued the next chapter. She didn’t think about auntie’s comments on her skin tone, or their reactions to Steven, or the pressure of having to be a proper desi girl, no on this page her heroine just saved an entire village from a flood. Here she could think freely with no criticism, she could be herself.

She heard her door open and looked up to see Anjana entering, “Hey Anjana” she smiled.

“Hey Connie, what are you doing?”

“I’m just reading, you should read this book she’s such a cool heroine, she’s so strong and she’s such a good fighter-” Connie looked up fizzling out as she saw Anjana on her phone.

“Mhm”

Connie eyes were attached onto Anjana’s smooth silky hair, Connie could feel her long fluffy hair scratching the back of her neck. _It must be nice to have smooth flat hair._

“I’m more into movies”, Anjana added on.

“Yeah I like movies too” Connie was trying to focus on the next sentence but all she could think about is how she looked so different from Anjana.

“Your hair looks nice today Anjana”

“Aw thanks Connie! I remember when I was your age my hair just used to be just like yours! I used to beg my mom to let me straight it. I can straighten your hair if you’d like?”

Connie frowned, sure maybe Anjana liked her straight hair over her natural puffy wavy hair, but Connie was fine with her hair, she liked it! “No it’s okay, I like my hair as it is, I don’t want to damage my hair with hair straighteners”

“Your hair won’t get damaged, you can use thermal protection hair spray but I rarely use it because my hair never gets damaged. You’d look so pretty!-”

Connie could feel dread making knots in her stomach, _Pretty.._

“Yeah also-” Anjana’s phone began to ring, “oh that’s my boyfriend calling, I need to step out” she placed a finger to her lips, “shh don’t tell anyone Connie I trust you”

“I won’t” Anjana smiled, answered the call, and left, Connie barely heard the door close.

 _Boyfriend? I mean she is really pretty so.._  Connie could hear a Bollywood movie playing from the living room, _and now that I think of it only the fair skinned girls with slim bodies, straight hair, and big eyes in Bollywood movies get a boyfriend.._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it!  
> Leave any comments for suggestions, or how you feel about it in general if you'd like!  
> Wanna say hi? You can message here!  
> thechaihoe.tumblr.com


	3. Mirror Mirror on The Wall, Who's The Fairest of Them All?

Connie stared at her glow in the dark stars on her ceiling, she could barely sleep. Before she never payed attention to her physical features because she never saw them as a problem, her mother never made her feel like she had change. Sure they didn’t have the best relationship but her mother always told her, “Be proud of your features Connie, you are beautiful”.

She was proud of her features! _Why use Fair and Lovely? What would it do for me_ , Connie thought furiously.

 _People would like you more_ , a thought replied back into her head.

Connie felt like she was suddenly drowning, now that she thought about it…

Maybe if she had a smaller nose boys would like her more?

Maybe she could finally be asked to a school dance?

Maybe if she had fairer skin more girls would like to talk to her?

Maybe if she was more like Anjana?

Or Jenny?

Or Maria?

Or Scarlet?

Or or or-

Connie threw her pillow to the floor, “Stop! This isn’t like me” she whispered holding back tears as she clenched her fists. She dragged herself out of bed feeling as if any moment all these thoughts would grab her from the floor and cause her entire room to cave in.

Reaching for her pillow she realized she was in front of her mirror, she could dimly see herself thanks to her night light. Her hands forgot about her pillow and went for her hair, pulling it down as if it would magically flatten her hair.

Tears streamed down her face, “ Am I not enough? Do I really have to change to be pretty for everyone?” she whispered, choking on her tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it!  
> Leave any comments for suggestions, or how you feel about it in general if you'd like!  
> Wanna say hi? You can message here!  
> thechaihoe.tumblr.com


	4. Seashell Galore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if these chapters feel repetitive and for the late update!  
> Hopefully next chapter goes as well as I plan!!

Connie awoke feeling too tired to get out of bed as she saw her room slightly lit by the morning rays. She groaned rolling on her side to see her clock that read 8:00am, she still had an hour of sleep left but knowing how last night went she wouldn’t bother trying. She sat up on her bed to watch the sunrise suddenly remembering her plans today,  _ Oh yeah today we’re going with Anjana to the beach. _

Her stomach dropped, she had forgot to prepare her outfit the night before and what if auntie made more comments about her skin tone?

She pushed bundles of clothes aside finally finding her blue jump suit.  _ This will do. _

She made her way to the bathroom to get ready, every second closer to 9:00am made her feel more distressed. 

She got just in time to stop her blaring alarm clock before it woke the undead. Picking up her duffel bag she headed downstairs to the kitchen where she saw her mom drinking coffee and reading the newspaper.

“Morning Connie, ready for a fun day the beach it’s been awhile since we’ve gone!”

Connie smiled, “Yeah I’m excited”, she couldn’t talk about last night’s thoughts with her mother.

_ Maybe if I just focus on the fun stuff, this dreary feeling will go away. I deserve some fun, right? _

“Well then eat breakfast Connie! The rest are still getting ready. We’ll leave in a bit”.

\--

The great thing about Beach City is that the beach was right there! She remembered coming here with Steven multiple times, and that one time with Amethyst where they ended up fighting Jasper. She shuddered.

Anjana ran around in delight, “it’s beautiful here!”

Her dad let out a sigh of relief while he laid out a towel, “finally a day to sit back”

Her mother chuckled in response, “tell me about it”

“Here Connie put on some sunscreen” Connie’s dad handed her the bottle

“Yeah we don’t want me to get any darker so auntie can point it out” Connie laughed putting on a thick layer evenly all over her legs, arms, face, and neck, but she knew it wasn’t funny. She looked over to see her auntie resting in the sun while her uncle was peacefully reading a book, Connie wanted to avoid auntie at all cost.

Her parents both looked at each other as a response, and before they could say something Connie cleared her throat getting up, “I’m going to go find seashells for my sand castle”.

She wandered by the shoreline where the water glittered. She looked out to the horizon, taking in the moment of serenity as the waves tickled her feet and seagulls could be heard overhead.  There was just something about beaches that was so relaxing.

“Auntie auntie! Take a photo of me!”

Connie came back to reality looking over to see Anjana’s photo be taken, she smiled, Anjana looked so pretty with her two piece bathing suit and shining smile.

_ If only you were beautiful as her _ , a thought crashed into her head as she turned back to stare at her reflection in the ocean.

Connie tried to shake the thought away but she couldn’t resist.

_ If I only could be as photogenic in photos. _ She frowned at her negative thoughts.

She splashed her reflection in the water and distracted herself with finding shells, she was in luck as she found two clam shells, a tiny looking conch, and other shells she couldn’t identify but thought looked pretty.

She ran back for her bucket and began her magic as she flipped the bucket upside down multiple times and used her fingers to make little windows, and a little moat for the castle. She placed her shells carefully on the roof of her sand castle, and before she knew it she was finished!

“Wow Connie your sandcastle looks great! I love the shells” Connie’s mom got up from relaxing in the sun to look over. Her dad gave her a thumbs up and made a goofy face in which she laughed in response.

“Yeah Connie! This is so cool!” Anjana walked over drenched from the ocean, “I’d love to live here”

“Thanks Anjana, although I don’t think it’s competition worthy yet”

“I think it’s pretty cool, just like you!”

Connie grinned as Anjana walked over to their cooler to grab a drink.

_ Oh I should take a picture to show Steven! _ , Connie thought excitedly. An idea came to her head that she take a selfie with her sandcastle, but every selfie she took the less Connie wanted to see her face.

_ Ah! I wish I didn’t look so awkward! Maybe I'll get lucky one day. _

At least her little sand kingdom was in  _ safe hands _ . 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha I hope you liked my cheesy pun at the end of this chapter!  
> I hope you liked it!  
> Leave any comments for suggestions, or how you feel about it in general if you'd like!  
> Wanna say hi? You can message here!  
> thechaihoe.tumblr.com


	5. Comfort and Donuts

Connie walked dodging people as she made her way to Steven’s house. She didn’t want to look up, she didn’t want people to see her big nose, or bushy eyebrows, or awkward face. If she stared at the cracks on the sidewalk, nobody could possibly make comments on her appearance. She wished she looked like every other girl, but she didn’t hate any of the girls that walked past her. She thought they were all beautiful, she desperately wished someone would see her the same way.

She sighed looking up to the Big Donut sign, she was close by now,  _ should I pretend everything is okay or should I tell him. What if my rambling doesn’t make sense to him, what if I end up sounding pathetic trying to vent? _

She could hear laughter from a group of friends behind her, tensing up she hurried. 

-

“Hey Connie! Wanna reread Dogcopter with me while the Gems are out on a cool mission?” Steven gleamed with excitement

“Sure”,  _ I’ll just pretend everything's okay. _

They read in silence on Steven’s bedroom floor while the tv served as background noise, though Steven was the only one flipping through pages. If you were to look from the outside it would have seemed Connie was rereading a sentence for five minutes, but she in fact did not even know the sentence started with “The”. How could she concentrate? So much was whirling in her head lately it almost felt like she was drowning.

“Connie, Connie! H-hey!” Connie came back to see Dogcopter on her page talking his walk.

_ Come to think about it, I’m not a very good liar. _

“What’s wrong, you seem..  sort of out of it?” Worry painted across Steven’s face.

Connie opened her mouth but words didn’t seem to come off, it was so strange to feel something constantly and be unable to explain it. After a long pause and staring into an empty space she decided to just blurt it out, “I don’t feel pretty, I feel insecure, I feel like I’m not enough” she felt uneasy.

_ At least it’s a start. _

“Really?! I think you’re so pretty and you’re more than enough to me” Steven let the words rush out of his mouth slightly blushing.

Connie smiled slightly and looked away from his gaze, “Thanks Steven”

“I understand… It’s hard to believe the negative thoughts must be so loud. Here tell me about it, even if you feel like you’re not making sense, it’s good to let it out”.

Connie’s eye widens, here she was scared to talk about it because she didn’t think it was as serious or that it was too convoluted. 

“U-uh well, my cousin Anjana and her family is sleeping over and ever since they’ve came over I feel like I’ve been so critical of myself. The first day my auntie made comments on how dark my skin was and that I use Fair and Lovely”

“What’s Fair and Lovely?”

“It’s the face wash that’s supposed to make you fairer. In other words it’s a skin lighting cream. It’s big in India because fair skin is supposed to be so beautiful”

“That’s so unfair! Just because your skin isn’t fair doesn’t stop you from being beautiful!!’

“Anjana also has a boyfriend and has a nice body shape that she must be so popular. Meanwhile I look so awkward, and it kind of hit me that in even in Bollywood movies fair, skinny girls with small noses, and straight hair always get the love of their life. N-not that I care about a boyfriend at the moment, I’m just scared I will never be pretty enough” Connie sputtered out

“I see that you’re comparing yourself to a lot to your cousin. Sure she must be beautiful, but you’re beautiful too, don’t feel like just because you’re not like her you aren’t beautiful. Your beauty is allowed to shine too even if it isn’t conventional”

Connie grinned as happy tears streaked her face.

“Did I say something wrong? I’m sorry!”

“No! Thank you for the reassurement, you’re helping me feel a lot better” Connie wiped her tears

“Aw Connie!” Steven went over to give her a warm embrace, “Like think of Garnet for example! Everyone on that battlefield hated the sight of Garnet but she overcame that and became stronger and that makes her so beautiful to me, both her physical appearance and her strength, and I’m sure I could go on!”

“Yeah this is true, it’s so strange to think of other gems not accepting fusions. Garnet is so happy, why can’t they let gems be happy?”

“Exactly Garnet is happy even though she may not be conventional to other gems! So that shouldn’t stop yourself from being happy with yourself even if you’re not conventional to your relatives’ eyes. You deserve to be happy, beauty is more than just skin deep, your beauty is so unique and precious”

Connie gave Steven a tight hug smiling, “Thank you”

“Ahaha I hope I’m making sense, I just wanted to say that you’re beautiful with your big nose, skin tone, or fluffy hair, your hair in a braid is so graceful! But you’re also beautiful by being so smart, your love for reading is so great, I had so much fun in the library with you! You’re also beautiful for your determination on learning how to sword fight and becoming so strong, you’re the best team mate ever! It’s not fair for yourself to define yourself with one way or with negative aspects, when there’s so many great things about you!!”

Connie perked up, “You’re right! There’s so much more to me, and there’s so much more to Anjana than just being beautiful too, and us being different and having our own unique skills and interests is completely okay!”

“Yeah you’re both beautiful and great in your own ways. If everyone looked the same, then beauty wouldn’t be abstract and unique”

“Wow here I was thinking I had to be like every other girl to be enough, when I really am already enough in my own way. Negative thoughts are so scary”

“They are, but you can get past them, you got this!”

“You too Steven!”

They both high fived and laughed

“Thanks for listening again, I know I said thank you a lot but I really appreciate it, I don’t think I could have told anyone else really”

“Hey no problem! You’re my best friend, I’m always here for you so always remember that when you feel alone”

“I’m here for you too Steven” Connie looked back at their open books, “what chapter are you on for Dogcopter?”

“5”

“No way!”

“First one to get to chapter 10 in an hour gets a free donut at the Big Donut” Steven giggled. 

“You’re so on!” Connie smirked.

They flipped through pages and laughed at jokes that no one got to chapter 10 after the hour.

“You know what, we both deserve donuts!” Steven proclaimed

“I agree”

They walked over to Big Donut and chatted with Sadie and Lars asking about their days. 

“Eh ya know, same old same old, but it’s nice here!” Sadie shrugged and smiled

“Honestly I feel like my bed is calling me, I’d love sleep right now” Lars said while making a batch of fresh donuts.

“You need to find a good balance between not working at all and overworking” Sadie responded

Connie looked out the window enjoying the scenery as she chewed on her chocolate donut. All the thoughts that she’d fear would grab her and cause the floor to cave in were gone. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the late update I've been so busy with school almost starting and all.  
> I hope this chapter's flow wasn't weird and all, I think Steven and Connie's friendship is so important and precious <3  
> I also hope I didn't make it seem like Connie hated Anjana because that wasn't what I was intending. It was more of Connie was angry at her insecurities not at the people she compared herself to? Well hopefully this clears things up.  
> Leave any comments for suggestions, or how you feel about it in general if you'd like!  
> Wanna say hi? You can message here!  
> thechaihoe.tumblr.com


	6. Auntie Was Wrong

 

“I’m beautiful” Connie spoke to her mirror.

 

But of course recovery is not linear and there were some days Connie felt like her insecurities would always choke her at night, and other days where she felt completely okay and strong. Connie was okay with that though, every time she fell she got up. It was like sword fighting but this time she trained to increase her self esteem. She realized that sometimes stopping and just breathing was enough to help her backtrack and organize her thoughts to see why she felt that way. She started to journal and wrote down goals for herself both short term and long term, she liked being able to check off her short term goals now and then. Even if she wasn’t making as much progress as initially planned, she was still proud she was making progress.

 

“I’m enough” She sobbed.

 

She decided that the first step was to let herself be comfortable, so she continued to let her hair down and braid it from time to time, as well as googling some pretty hairstyles tutorials for thick fluffy hair like hers. She decided that her nose was pretty the way it was, so what if it was big? It was part of her identity, her heritage, she found her brownness to be more beautiful as she realized how common her features were and how they wouldn’t stop her from attaining her dreams. She politely declined Anjana’s extra hair straightener and auntie’s offer to buy her a new bottle of Fair and Lovely, sensing her mother smiling in background. She didn’t feel the need for it, maybe it worked for Anjana and auntie but not her, and she knew that was okay. She just needed to find what worked for her. She scrapped her plans on thinner eyebrows and plastic surgeries, liking how her eyebrows complimented her eyes and seeing that her lanky body did its job well. Who cares if boys didn’t find her body “sexy”, they had no right to judge her body that was way too complex for just being defined as “sexy” or not. She let herself be excited, even if some people stared, even if her friends at school didn’t reply at times, she knew her interests were no less than anyone else’s so she deserved to be express them as well.  She let herself read all the books she wanted with no shame of taking more time to learn and experience new things. She continued to sword fight and become stronger disregarding the stereotype that said women were “weak”. She tried to learn how to cook and sew from her mother, while trying to spend more time with her and making her laugh. Sure maybe recovery wasn’t linear but that didn’t mean she couldn’t do things that made her happy and slowly become more comfortable with herself.

 

“I may not be fair but I am very lovely” She told herself in the mirror one morning, she smiled wide. She would let herself have a good day today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's a wrap! Two updates in one day to make up for my missed days!  
> I had a lot of fun writing this and I hope you had just as much fun reading it. It did get very personal at times but just seeing Connie fighting against toxic beauty standards inspired me in a way too.  
> This was just a refreshing in a way.  
> -  
> Leave any comments for suggestions, or how you feel about it in general if you'd like!  
> Wanna say hi? You can message here!  
> sailortarka.tumblr.com


End file.
